I stand in that room. I am standing on nothing. I am nothing. The only thing that holds me up is fear. It shoots through my body like electricity. Without it I would fall away.
I see it over and over and over.
I see something flash…and then it is gone.
I can’t make it stop. I can’t make them stop. My scream is stuck in my throat. I am frozen. Unspeakable images flash like an atomic camera’s light. They burn into my brain. They blind me. They melt before me. They fade in and out. I chase them but can never catch them. My fingers pass through them. I squint my eyes to try to see the fading negatives.
I am not sure what you want. I am sure of the fear.
The terror is with me always. It is a part of me. When I am away from home everything is unreal.
I stand in the center of my fear. I am lost in it. I cannot tell where it ends and I begin. I breath it in, nothing comes out. I am lost. I cannot believe the others do not see it.
My world swirls and screams and melts – and all around me everyone continues in the slow motion order of their world. I am not a part of them. No one sees me and no one can help me. I am terror.
My mother, my sister – we are alone. We live in terror. We live under the boot. It falls on our neck and no one sees. No one can stop it. There is nowhere to go.
My father is God. He is invincible. He continues because he is power. He continues because the world is indifferent and we are weak.
spin, and I run, and I hide. The best I can do in this dream is to disappear. Disappear to where nothing is real and no one feels.
The safest place to be is curled up in a dark corner, or under the bed or in the closet. I love these places. They are places where it is easy to disappear. To float away. Disconnect. I hope this is what death is like.